If Only...

Title: If Only.
Fandom: Harry Potter ~ General Series ~ My Big Damn Table
Characters: Sirius and his girlfriend
Prompt: 82 If
Word Count: A lot? 991 to be exact.
Rating: PG-13.
Author's Notes: Something I wrote for my creative writing class. Not that I used James, Sirius, and Lily as characters for that, the prof woulda killed me. Still, in my head, I was writing it for them. Just to be clear, this is Sirius’ noncanon gf speaking in this piece so it’s AU. Also, she knows the truth about the murder and Sirius did get a trial, I am going to assume that she dies shortly after this. And yeah, I know, first person...had to for the class but I think it works well here. Let me know what you think!


If only.

Two little words, how innocuous they are. Who could ever imagine that those words have the power to change the world? If only I had stopped to tie my shoe, if only I had passed Potions, if only I had just been a tiny bit stronger or faster with my wand...

If only I...

With a frown, I shake off the thoughts plaguing my head and glance around your bedroom, trying not to think of what happened to you or the last time I saw you, proud and silent and in chains. Of course, surrounded by all your things, things I am boxing up for you, those thoughts are hard to shove aside. The four poster waterbed would go to WizardWill; I certainly wouldn’t take it even if I could move the damn thing. Those god awful paintings could stay, maybe the next owner would appreciate them they way you did, even if dead birds are not most peoples’ thing. I pause in front of the autographed posters, the collection you prized above all, staring at my reflection in the glass and holding your precious guitar, remembering...

We were celebrating my birthday. All Hallow’s Eve. I didn’t really want to go but you made me. We drank and danced, laughed and shared our love. Even though we had only been dating for a few years, we shared a love as deep as a couple spent a lifetime together, full of secret looks and gentle caresses. You didn’t even mind that your friends couldn’t make it this night, respected James a little for staying home with his family.

As we revolved around the dance floor, the clock nearing midnight, suddenly you stiffened in my arms. Your silver eyes went wide with shock and you cried out something wordless, with a note in your voice that haunts my dreams to this very day. I begged you, pleaded with you, to tell me what was going on, scared of the lack of emotion on your face giving lie to the ones coursing through your body...

“Please, Sirius, please tell me what is going on.” I pulled on your arm, trying to get your attention back down to earth, “Sirius, talk to me.” Without even sparing me a glance, you shook my restraining hand off your arm and strode out into the night, fury and grief etched in your rugged face.

I still had no idea, no clue, of what was going on. I think I might have even hated you for for that.

On shaky legs, I sat back down at our table, closing my eyes. Worried for you and just a little bit drunk. Something else I cannot forgive myself for.

Breathing deep, I felt something...it’s hard to describe. It’s even harder to explain. People think I am crazy when I talked about it so I quit. But, I still remember. I felt something, something inside, tugging at a corner of my mind. I don’t remember giving up conscious control but I must have for something took me out of myself, showed me what you had sensed. “Dead? The Dark Lord...” I whispered, shocked to the core, snapping myself out of the trance. Unlike you, I had nowhere to vent either my fury and my tears took over, along with a reverent prayer that you would seek and mete out justice.

A knock sounded on my, your, door. A glance at the clock showed me that it was four in the afternoon, the next day. Not that I had slept yet, no, I came home from the bar and spent the night pacing the halls, waiting for your return. I could see wizards and witches celebrating in the streets every time I passed by a window, until I slammed the curtains shut, unable to bear it. Now, I flew to the door, my heart in my eyes, and opened it to the waiting police officers.

My fingers must have strummed the strings of the guitar for I find myself back in your bedroom, out of the waking nightmare haunting my every step. My cheeks are wet with tears, without looking in a mirror, I know my eyes are brilliant green. You used to kid me about that too, telling me I should be in Slytherin with eyes like mine, especially after you made me cry and then made me laugh. I sigh and idly thrum my fingers across the strings, instinctively finding the chords your taught me ever so long ago. Unwilling, I delve back into my memories. I owe you that.

Sitting at your trial, I tried; god knows I tried, to hide my tears, to put on the strong front expected of me, to take part of the burden from you by at least pretending everything was fine. Nevertheless, I couldn’t stop the rain of tears as witness after witness came to testify against you. Nor could I stop them when they dragged me up to the stand. I do not know what the judge said to you as he pronounced sentence; all I could hear was my heart thudding in my ears loud enough to drown out the gavel banging down, shutting this chapter of my life whether I will it or no.

Our friends are dead, their baby is an orphan, you are in Azkaban for murdering their killer, and I am left, alone, to pack up your house. I have flashes, from time to time, flashes of insight that I cannot explain now anymore than I could the night James and Lily were murdered. I think I am going crazy.

The 'if onlys' seem to echo through the house, hounding me with doubts and regrets...if only I had stopped you, if only I had gone with you, if only only we had gone to their house for the evening instead of the bar.

If only we could have saved them. Maybe we could have saved ourselves.